The green-eyed monster strikes again

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Recently I’ve re-established contact with an old acquaintance.  She and I first got to know each other when I first moved to Japan, and on the surface we had so much in common (born in the same month of the same year, for starters) that we were sure that we were destined to be friends.  However, I was never really able to allow myself to get close to her, for the simple reason that she is truly one of life’s favourites, a child of fortune.  For example, her parents (mum Japanese and dad Australian) really loved each other, and they loved their children.  Furthermore, they were wealthy – she was educated in the best schools in Japan and Europe.  She never wanted for a thing, either emotionally or physically.  She remembers her childhood as an idyllic, near-perfect time.  Even now she counts her parents as her best friends, and relies on them for everything. 

Well, I’m not on speaking terms with either of my parents.  And all I can remember is feeling miserable as a child, dividing my time between two unwelcoming households and two resentful parents, and wondering why neither of them wanted me around (I can even remember hearing them arguing about who didn’t get me for the summer holidays, amongst various other things).  Both remarried – to people who didn’t especially welcome my presence – and my mother’s remarriage was especially disturbing because her husband was violent.  I honestly cannot remember one single carefree day in my childhood, because of all the unhappiness and confusion that was constantly swirling about me.  In hindsight I can see that my parents, and even my step-parents, were doing the best that they knew how, but at the time the constant rejection hurt so much.  Whatever did I do to them, to deserve such treatment?  Just the act of being born, I guess.

I can’t help feeling envious of my old friend.  She’s beautiful and looks at least 10 years younger than me.  Everything has been handed to her on a plate; she married well to a corporate lawyer, and lived the luxurious expat life in several countries before returning to Kobe.  Her two blonde-haired children have been placed in the same school that the Sonbeam currently works in.  She plans to settle in this city and raise a happy family, just as her parents before her.  It has never seriously occurred to her that life could ever be different, because things have always been this way as far as she is concerned.

As for me, I’ve always had to fight my corner by myself.  Nothing has been easy for me, nothing.  Why?  I don’t know, but it’s just not fair. 

Every time I meet her and see her smile, I feel a knife going through my heart.  It’s pure jealousy I know, but I just can’t help it.

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6 comments on “The green-eyed monster strikes again

  1. Karen says:

    You know what, she probably envies you your drive and independence. No doubt, she finds you intimidating. Think about it.

  2. Jeni says:

    Yes, you might be surprised to find that others who seem to have it all could be envious of everything they think you have.

  3. Midori says:

    I think the jealousy feeling is perfectly natural (hi by the way! :-))I have the same feelings about one of my best friends as everything has always seemed SO easy for her. As Jeni said though, you might find that people are jealous of you for reasons you might not expect/realise.

  4. Miko says:

    Hi Midori, kisses!

  5. rosaalin says:

    Hi,
    I have the same sentiments as you. I know how it hurts when you are rejected and plus it was from your own parents. You had to fight for everything, and, of course, at the end of the day, you had bruises and cuts which no one cared.

    I am like you, constantly struggling and fighting for everything that I want. And to see how another person just gets it easy, of course, the sense of fury, anger and jealousy arises in you.

    My father and mama used to fight everyday, becos of financial issues, and it was my father’s fault. He had no financial plannings, and just married my mother for the sake of marriage. I often found my mum screaming her head off at him for being irresponsible and selfish. I doted my father since small and looked up to him. But, after growing up, I found that he was such a selfish person. He only cared for himself and never cared for my mama. Now, I am struggling to pay off my tuition fees and providing for my mama.

    I know it sounds horrible, but I had this guy who was also mixed, his dad is chinese and his mum is spanish. He has a major crush on me, often caught him staring at me but i blatantly ignored him, in fact, i just hated the very sight of him. Everything he smiled at me, I just wanted to slap his face. He had everything, looks, riches, and popularity, while i was just a loner, poor, and constantly fighting and fighting.

    It comes a time when you realise that fighting everyday really drains your energy and you are left pissed off,why me?

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